Step Parents and PAS

Step Parents

Step Parents and Parental Alienation Syndrome - PAS

If you decide to marry a parent with children, there are some things you have to accept as a reality. It is part of the baggage parents bring with them into the marriage. To begin with, children will want to spend time alone with their parent without your presence. Many times the parent will want to put their children's needs before yours. Standing the background is a biological mother or father. She or he could have very strong feelings about you that have nothing to do with you as a person or stepparent. The biological parent could be jealous of your time with the children, fear your discipline, hate their ex, and distrust your motives. However unfair or unjustified these problems appear, you and your spouse have to deal them while trying to not get the children caught in the middle.

Child support is important. Stepparents should not in anyway interfere with visits and child support responsibilities. It must be remembered by all, that parents are more likely to pay child support if they have an on going active relationship with their children.

Step-parents:

• Stepparents must move slowly with the stepchildren. Remember most of the time the children didn't ask you to be there. You are intruding into their world, a place of familiarity and security.
  
• If you are having problems with the stepchildren, discuss these problems with your spouse privately, not within earshot of the children. Keep in mind that children are nosey and will listen through the walls.
  
• Regardless of your feelings about your biological counter-part, don't make derogatory comments about the other parent to the children. This is alienating and damaging to the child and your relationship with the child. The child will usually want to defend the targeted parent but will avoid saying anything because that's easier than confronting you. Children live by a simple principle, went uncomfortable, avoid. Don't be fooled by their silence. You will probably not hear their thoughts. They will have opinions and feelings about what you say. You just won't know what they are thinking.
  
• Your stepchildren still need time alone with their biological parent. Don't always feel like you have to be involved with what they are doing.
  
• Until the children know and accept you, don't be overly demonstrative with their parent. Kids watching the two of you cuddle and kiss can be embarrassing and "gross" (That's what the kids tell me)."
  
• A biological parent's feelings will be influenced by what the children say about you. Kids, like adults, are quicker to complain than say good things, especially if they believe their mother doesn't want to hear about what a wonderful person you are to them. Don't be overbearing when communicating with the biological parent. Be pleasant and maintain self-control over your feelings. If there are important issues to be discussed with the biological parent about the children, biological parents rather than you should have these conversations. Perhaps after a period of time and you develop a good relationship with the biological parent; you can become a more active participant. I have found that many problems with stepmother is when the stepmother become overbearing, tries to take control while the father passively sits by and says nothing.
  
• Do not expect to just take over the management of the house and set the rules when you move into your new spouse's home. Rules and expectations about each family member's responsibilities must be discussed and negotiated. If a new stepparent moves in like a bulldozer and plans to rebuild the family structure and values, he or she is heading for big trouble with both the stepchildren and new spouse. Stepparents must move slowly and be sensitive to everyone's feelings.
  
• Children should not be expected to keep your secrets. Assume that what ever you do in your household, they will tell their biological parent. After all, what is it you do in your house that the world would care about?
  
• Your stepchildren come from a very different world than what you are familiar with. They were possibly exposed to different values. Don't go into this step parenting thing with the idea that you know best and you are going to remake the children into what you think is best. First of all, you don't have this right and secondly, you will be heading for disaster.
  
• Stepparents and new romantic partners can all get caught up in the problems between two warring parents. This creates a perfect breeding ground for alienation because significant others frequently believe that they have to take a side. Stepparents can be a tremendous source of support and love for their spouse and the stepchildren without getting caught up in these issues. What is best for children is when stepparents and biological parents treat each other with mutual respect and concern for the children. Parents who are able to keep parent/stepparent conflicts from the children will have a better overall adjustment to the divorce and new family. Patience is a must for the successful stepparent.
  

http://www.paskids.com/articles/

PAS Article

What you do and don't do

What you do and don't do when as a loving parent you are
confronted with a severe case of PAS in your child

DO'S

1. DO...take off the gloves and demand immediate action by the Court to STOP the abuse of your child. Remind the Court in the strongest terms possible that your child's life, mental health and their continued on going relationship with you is at stake...AND that if they don't intervene immediately the chances of ever saving your child and your relationship together will be ZERO.
   
2. DO...start to immediately educate yourself, your lawyer, your Judge, your psychologist and your child, if possible, about PAS. This is one of the most widespread forms of emotional child abuse there is arising out of our Family Court system today and there are at least 1,000 internet web sites for you to obtain information from about PAS.
   
3. DO...fully prepare yourself for your Court presentation about PAS. To do this you should print and make several copies of all the information on PAS you find on these web sites and put them in at least four (4) separate booklets and entitle them.. " URGENT & IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR THE COURT ON PAS....What you need to know about the abuse of my child to save him/her and me from a lifetime of pain and suffering". Before you go into Court you should give one of these booklets to your l awyer and your psychologist while keeping one for yourself and the Court.
   

   If you have a flair for the dramatic to make your point you can also add a reprint of my web site home page with my daughter's picture and number of days I have not seen her because of PAS and the Court's refusal to intervene to stop her abuse. At the top of the page you should also write in big letters ...."I DO NOT INTEND TO ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN TO ME AND MY CHILD"
   

4. DO...tell the Court if they don't act immediately to stop your child's abuse, you will take your PAS case and all the proof and evidence you provided the Court on your child's PAS condition to the local newspapers and T.V. stations...AND... you will post your case and Judge's name on all the PAS internet web sites for the whole world to see how derelict the Court was in not carrying out its responsibility to protect your child from your former spouse's severe emotional abuse and the permanent destruction of you and your child's relationship together.
   
5. DO...trust your own instincts as a parent to do what is in the best interests of your child when confronted with this PAS problem...AND...if the Court won't protect your child's interests, then you will protect his/her interests yourself.  This you will do by public exposure of your case to the media until the Court does protect your child's interests as the law requires them to do. It may take a long time but you must never ever give up the fight.
   
6. DO...continue to reach out to your PAS affected child no matter how many times they tell you how much they hate you and never want to see you again. While they may say these things to you, the fact is they really don't hate you and actually yearn desperately to see you again, but those feelings are not allowed any expression by the abusing parent.
   
7. DO...keep your faith in God and yourself at all times while always taking the high road to fight and solve this problem.
   

 
 

DON'TS

1. DON'T...trust or count on ANYONE to know anything about PAS or to try and help you save your child and your relationship together. Almost all lawyers, Judges, psychologists and Court mediators who are involved in your case KNOW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT PAS...AND...even if they did would probably not have the time or be able to fully understand your case and how important it is for Court intervention to stop your child's PAS abuse. In most PAS cases none of these people really care about helping you and your child either.
   
2. DON'T...delude yourself into thinking that your local Family Court, your Judge, your lawyer, your psychologist or anyone else but you really wants to look out for and protect the best interests of your child.
   
3. DON'T...trust or count on ANYONE to properly educate themselves on PAS. This is particularly true about your former spouse, Family Court Judges and Court appointed psychologists. You must do all this research and education about PAS yourself to pass on to all the people involved in your case.
   
4. DON'T...allow the Court or anyone else to intimidate you. You will be challenged at every turn and told you don't know what you are talking about when you mention PAS. Many will also tell you that PAS is nothing more than a figment of your imagination and that it has never been proven and doesn't even exist in the Psychiatric Association's Bible of mental and psychiatric disorders known as DSM-IV. Some of these people will further tell you that this was only a "pipe dream" invented by Dr. Richard Gardner to sell his books. DON'T believe a word these people tell you and never give in to their intimidating tactics to discredit you, PAS or Dr. Gardner.
   
5. DON'T...allow the Court or anyone else to delay or prolong your Court hearing on this matter. The longer this PAS abuse goes on with your child, the more difficult it will be for you to do anything to stop it...AND...If it goes on for too long without Court intervention (ie. 6 months or more) then your chances of ever re-establishing a normal healthy relationship with your child will start to approach ZERO.
   
6. DON'T...engage in any kind of retaliatory brainwashing PAS abuse of your child yourself. The temptation is always there to "fight fire with fire" when you are being attacked and maligned by your former spouse, BUT DON'T EVER DO IT. REMEMBER what I said before. Always take the High Moral ground for your child and if you want to get angry and verbally attack someone, get angry and attack the people who are doing this to your child. Never get angry at your child for how he/she is behaving or in any other way do anything to further hurt your child. You must be able to walk a fine line always trusting in yourself and your God to see and fight this thing through for the ultimate best interests of your child and yourself.
   
7. DON'T...ever GIVE UP no matter how many well meaning and/or not so well meaning people tell you to do so. You will constantly hear people tell you that you should merely give up the fight to save your child from PAS and wait until they grow up and find out for themselves how badly they were abused by your former spouse and the Court. This would be the same as letting your child drown until they learned how to swim themselves. You have a solemn duty to protect your children and thus you cannot ever shirk from that duty.
   

 

William Kirkendale, President
The Parental Alienation Syndrome Foundation
&
The Family Court Reform Council of America
Los Angeles, California
310-544-7800
Web site address: www.familycourts.com

E-mail address: info@familycourts.com

Stage 3 - A Severely Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada stated, "Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child."

A Severely Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Severe

In severe PAS the child is often fanatic or obsessional in his/her hatred of the target parent. For this reason alone the PAS-inducing parent no longer needs to be active, although the PAS–inducing parent will resort to anything to prevent the child maintaining a relationship with the targeted parent. The child takes on the PAS-inducing parent's desires, emotions and hatreds and verbalises them all as its own. The child views the history of the targeted parent and the targeted parent's family as all negative and is unable to either remember or express any positive feelings for the target parent.

The child is very likely to refuse Contact, make false allegations of abuse, threaten to run away, threaten to commit suicide or even murder - if forced to see the targeted parent. The PAS-inducing parent will hold little or no value for the targeted parent and hatred may be completely overt. The child and the alienating parent have a pathological bond that is invariably based on shared paranoid fantasies of the targeted parent, sometimes to the point of folie a deux.

What Does a Severely Alienated Child look like?

• They have a relentless hatred for towards the targeted parent.
  
• They parrot the Obsessed Alienator.
  
• The child does not want to visit or spend any time with the targeted parent.
  
• Many of the child's beliefs are enmeshed with the alienator.
  
• The beliefs are delusional and frequently irrational.
  
• They are not intimidated by the court.
  
• Frequently, their reasons are not based on personal experiences with the targeted parent but reflect what they are told by the Obsessed Alienator. They have difficulty making any differentiate between the two.
  
• The child has no ambivalence in his feelings; it's all hatred with no ability to see the good.
  
• They have no capacity to feel guilty about how they behave towards the targeted parent or forgive any past indiscretions.
  
• They share the Obsessed Alienators cause. Together, they are in lockstep to denigrate the hated parent.
  
• The children's obsessional hatred extends to the targeted parent's extended family without any guilt or remorse.
  
• They can appear like normal healthy children until asked about the targeted parent that triggers their hatred.
  

Children in the severe category are generally quite disturbed and are usually fanatic. They join together with their alienating parent in a folie à deux relationship in which they share her paranoid fantasies about the alienated parent. All eight of the primary symptomatic manifestations are likely to be present to a significant degree, even more prominent than in the moderate category. Children in this category may become panic-stricken over the prospect of visiting with their alienated parent. Their blood-curdling shrieks, panicked states, and rage outbursts may be so severe that visitation is impossible. If placed in the alienated parent's home they may run away, become paralyzed with morbid fear, or may become so continuously provocative and so destructive that removal becomes necessary. Unlike children in the moderate and mild categories, their panic and hostility may not be reduced in the alienated parent's home, even when separated from their alienating parents for significant periods. Whereas in the mild and moderate categories the children's primary motive is to strengthen the stronger, healthy psychological bond with the alienating parent, in the severe category the psychological bond with the alienating parent is pathological (often paranoid) and the symptoms serve to strengthen this pathological bond.

http://www.paskids.com/pas/stage3.php

Stage 2 - A Moderate Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Stage 2 - A Moderate Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

A Moderate Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Moderate

In moderate cases of PAS there is a significant degree of parental programming, that results in significant problems around the time of Contact. The PAS-inducing parent is very likely to interact with the targeted parent in a manner designed to create conflict so that Contact will eventually wither and die. In the moderate stage the child will display anxiety on a more frequent basis around the time of transition, and in all other circumstances. The child's anxiety normally passes once transition has taken place and very soon afterwards the child is able to relax and become involved with the targeted parent. The child's bond with the PAS-inducing parent is reasonably healthy, although they will probably share the same conviction that the vilification directed at the targeted parent is justified.

The following is not an exhaustive list, but other factors to consider in the moderate stage would include:

 The PAS-inducing parent refusing to communicate or co-operate directly with the targeted parent.

 The PAS-inducing parent giving the child total control over Contact arrangements.

 Where the PAS-inducing parent talks of, or shows disrespect of the targeted parent in the child's presence. i.e. when the targeted parent calls, the PAS-inducing parent gives the phone to the child saying "It's him/her" or "It's your father/mother in a disgusted tone of voice. This would also include hanging up the phone on the targeted parent or silently handing the phone to the child.

 Doing and undoing statements - negative comments made about the targeted parent then denied.

 The child will feel compelled to keep separate worlds and identities with each parent.

Sometimes, a PAS-inducing parent will understand the theoretical importance of the other parent in the life of the child, but believes that in his/her case, the targeted parent, due to character deficiencies, cannot be important to the child. Their statements and behaviours can be subtle but very damaging to the child.

The moderate cases are the most common. It is in this category that the alienating parent's programming of the child is likely to be formidable and they may utilize a wide variety of exclusionary tactics. All eight of the primary manifestations are likely to be present, and each is more advanced than one sees in the mild cases, but less pervasive than one sees in the severe type. The campaign of denigration is more prominent, especially at transition times when the child appreciates that deprecation of the alienated parent is just what the alienating parent wants to hear. The children in this category are less fanatic in their vilification of the alienated parent than those in the severe category, but more than those in the mild category. The rationalizations for the deprecation are more numerous, more frivolous, and more absurd than those seen in the mild cases. None of the normal ambivalence that children inevitably have with regard to each of their parents is present. The alienated parent is described as all bad, and the alienating parent as all good. The child professes that he (she) is the sole orignator of the feelings of acrimony against the alienated parent. The reflexive support for the alienating parent in any conflict is predictable. The child's absence of guilt is so great that the child may appear psychopathic in his (her) insensivity to the grief being visited upon the alienated parent. Borrowed-scenario elements are likely to be included in the child's campaign of denigration. Whereas in the mild category there may still be loving relationships with the alienated parent's extended family, in the moderate cases these relatives become viewed as clones of the alienated parent and are similarly subjected to the campaigns of revulsion and denigration.

Whereas in the mild cases transition times present few difficulties, in the moderate cases there may be formidable problems at the time of transfer, but the children are ultimately willing to go off with the alienated parent, while professisng significant reluctance. Once removed entirely from their alienating parent's purview, the children generally quiet down, relax their guard, and involve themselves benevolently with their alienated parent. This is in contrast to the severe category where visitation is either impossible or, if the children do enter the alienated parent's home their purpose is to make his life unbearable by ongoing vilification, destruction of property, and practically incessant provocative behavior. The primary motive for the children's scenarios of denigration is to maintain the stronger, healthy psychological bond with the alienating parent.

http://www.paskids.com/pas/stage2.php

Stages of Parental Alienations Syndrome:

 

Children who are victims of PAS often go through different Stages as they experience the depth of the alienation.

Stage 1 - A Mildly Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

A Mildly Alienated Child of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Mild

In mild cases of PAS there is some parental programming, but Contact with the targeted parent is not seriously affected and Contact can generally be maintained without too much difficulty, although the child may appear distressed at the time of transition.

Detecting PAS in the mild stage however is trickier, as the PAS-inducing parent's behaviour is generally more subtle and possibly unconscious. The PAS-inducing parent is likely to deny any motivation and/or acts, and states the opposite of what is true. Although statements made by the PAS-inducing parent may be sincerely meant, their view of the targeted parent is compromised and indicated by behaviour.

The following is not an exhaustive list, but other factors in the mild stage would include:

1. When one parent gets a new partner/remarries or has another child.

2. Where little regard is paid to the importance of Contact with the other parent.

3. A lack of value/encouragement regarding Indirect Contact between periods of Direct Contact.

4. Little awareness of the distress that a child may feel if Direct Contact or Indirect Contact (i.e. phone call) is missed.

5. The inability to tolerate the presence of the targeted parent, even at events that are important to the child.

The PAS-inducing parent may be aware that the child needs the other parent, but this rational belief may be overwhelmed by other factors at this stage.

The child in the mild stage will invariably have a reasonably healthy relationship with the PAS-inducing parent and the child usually participates in the campaign of denigration to maintain the primary emotional bond with that parent. Not aware of the feelings that motivate the unconscious PAS-inducing behaviour, the evaluator must look at the underlying messages that are given directly to the child. The mild stage of PAS is generally seen prior to hostile Court proceedings or where Court proceedings are less intense. The wishes and feelings of the child regarding the targeted parent are the first signs in detecting the PAS-induced behaviour.

Children in the mild category exhibit relatively superficial manifestations of the eight primary symptoms: campaign of denigration; weak, frivolous, or absurd rationalizations for the deprecation; lack of ambivalence; the "independent thinker" phenomenon; reflexive support of the loved parent in the parental conflict; absence of guilt; the presence of borrowed scenarios; and spread of the animosity to the extended family of the hated parent. Most often only a few of these eight symptoms are present. It is in the moderate type, and especially in the severe type, that most, if not all of them are seen. Visitation is usually smooth with few difficulties at the time of transition. Once in the alientated parent's home the children may be completely free of denigrating comments or, at most, such comments are intermittent and mild. The children's primary motive in contributing to the campaign of denigration is to maintain the stronger, healthy psychological bond that they have developed with their alientating parent.

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?

This is the definition of PAS as described by R.A. Gardner who discovered the syndrome and has become an expert in dealing with the issue.

Gardner's definition of PAS is:

"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."

(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)

Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal thoughts, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad mouthing the other parent infront of the children, to withholding visits, to pre-arranging the activities for the children while visiting with the other parent.

http://www.paskids.com/

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

"The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.  A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves.  That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us."

http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

I often refer clients to this site for some guidance.

An issue for men is often around setting boundaries with their ex wife's.

This can very quickly develop into a difficult situation in the current relationship.

There must be clear guidelines of what is acceptable and what is not, if the behaviour gets out of hand it must be handled with delicacy, however overall speed.

If you allow toxic behaviour to continue then you are say I accept it, when you may very well may not.

Sometimes it is not easy to make a good clean break, often separations leave both parties battle scared.

Handling Stress

Each of deals with stress in a different way, some interalise and others are more explosive.

One of the ways to deal with stress is to identify the source; often what we think is the cause is not.

We often have projected anger, this is anger we project onto people, and however they are not the ones that we are angry with…

An example we have had a crap day at work, we come through the door kids run up, wife starts rabbiting about trivial issues and we blow up.

The environment now becomes full of toxic energy, which is not theirs.

In the old days that's why men went to the pub, have a few drinks get everything of their chest and the go home.

Times have changed and we have a tendency to bring this into our homes which causes grief to everyone.

Parenting Plan

One of the issues that I often speak to stepfathers about is developing a parenting plan.

In essence this is about who takes the lead role in dealing with the children.

Often for men this is about finding their place in the family unit, this can be both a confusing and stressful time.

If you work together then you can develop a good working relationship.

Welcome

This blog has been established to help stepfathers adjust and work in a stepfamily dynamic.



I have been in a stepfamily for 55 years and a stepfather for 8 years.



Ours is not an easy life and often we have no voices.



My aim here is provide you with a cyber shed, somewher to go to get help and advise.